Love and Words

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now that I am undone

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Now that I am undone, 

I can speak as if I was alone

and have no worry or fear

that I could hurt you 

or be the cause of your tears.


Disappoint you with my reality, 

frighten you with proximity,

or worst of all, 

admit to us both,

the extent of my 

vulnerability.


But now that I am undone, 

with tears paused 

and grief for a moment gone, 

I can sit on the bed

rocking slowly

and take my words from hiding, 

cleaning off the dust that 

has gathered there,

I let them light up this room.


I am in love with you.


And with each passing moment, 

each new thing learned,

this love becomes larger

as does my awareness

that I have no idea what it means.

There are some moments, 

when I doubt,

I am even capable of such a thing.


It's like - 

walking into a room that is filled

with a vast amount of air

so rich in oxygen, 

yet sometimes so full of despair.


I was supposed 

to be smarter than this, 

and wait at the gate

for convenience and timing's sake.

Not wander off

after beautiful birds

past the gate and over the lawn

into the garden and up the oak tree

where I found their nest, 

and became undone.

All my carefully built walls

came tumbling down

and I was not prepared for this.


When I raced from the garden,

up to your room,

to share with you my discovery, 

I found you only half dressed. 

Not ready for anything, 

let alone a common bird's nest.


You were not ready for me

to be anywhere but waiting at the gate,

for your convenience and timing's sake.


and do you know?

It wasn't until I returned to my room, 

and sat on the bed, 

rocking back and forth

and holding my head, 

that I began to cry 

and in crying was finally free

 

to realize that I loved you, 

and you were 

unavailable to love me.


Now that I am undone, 

I can speak as if 

I were alone.

And what I say to myself

is a promise and a gift,

to never again

try to stand so still, 

that it is as if

I have ceased to exist.

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decagon          poetry 

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